If you don’t care about the final of BB11 and want something to watch before Ultimate Big Brother kicks off tonight, then I recommend The Great British Bake-Off (heck, I recommend it even if you are watching the BB final).  Mel and Sue are finally reunited, though are separated on-screen too often much to many people’s chagrin.  Hopefully this will be the vehicle to launch their double presenting act again – as long as that doesn’t mean the Giles’n'Sue double act stops.  Their upcoming Good Life show looks amazing.

Anyway this show is essentially Masterchef but with just cakes, and without Gregg Wallace saying ‘corrrrrr’ every ten seconds, i.e. a very splendid idea indeed.  Famous cake lady Mary Berry and some other bloke were judging last week as the contestants started to be eliminated through a series of baking-related tasks.  There were tears!  There were disasters!  There was no Christine Hamilton (robbed), but you can’t have everything.

With her performances on Maestro and The Supersizers… Sue Perkins has started to look like she’s about to become a national treasure. TV producers have clearly noticed that everyone loves her, so they’ve been trying to shoehorn her into new formats, but so far it doesn’t seem as if they’ve found one that works.

Channel 4 food quiz The Big Food Fight was rather ropey and though new BBC Two vehicle A Band For Britain is more successful, it doesn’t quite hit the spot.

The problem here isn’t so much with Sue as with the format, which is basically a complete transplant of Five’s The Singing Estate and BBC Two’s The Choir, only with brass bands instead of singing.  As a result, it feels somewhat bizarre to see Perkins here rather than Gareth Malone or Ivor Setterfield.  The programme is your standard reality heartwarming fare but Sue surely needs a better vehicle for her talents.  It’s whether the TV execs can come up with one that remains to be seen.

LOWCULTURE TELEVISION REVIEW OF THE YEAR

Well this year was, erm, fun? Television wise anyway. We started of with Professor Magwitch doing a turn as an annoying woman banging on about her lost child after billions of people died in Survivors. The show also starred him out of Hotel Babylon, Martha Jones and her who was in Demons. Which was also quite shit. Despite the allure of Christian Cooke and his well proportioned anatomy (more on that later).

You’d be forgiven for thinking that this being about the best and worse television shows of 2009 that it might be in some sort of linear order. You’d be wrong. Mostly because I have the memory of a fish, but also because I have the memory of a fish.

In any case, despite this being lowculture, we do like a bit of high culture now and again, so while Gail Trimble was causing a stir on University Challenge with everyone else with her timelord-style mind and Deirdre Rachid glasses, it was Simon Spiro from Dame Vicky Coren’s Only Connect that dampened a few seats here and there. Mostly there.

The Supersizers Eat...

They should have been watching Countdown really, at their age. Of course it’s not the same without poor Carol, who was ousted after being asked to take a 90% pay cut, and when she refused, replaced by some young upstart with a bigger IQ and a shorter hemline. And to think Carol gave Countdown the best years of her thighs.

Still it wasn’t all bad on Channel Four day time, Coach Trip made a triumphant return after three years and brought us highlights such as Tom Judge, the Coach Trip Mafia and Tom Judge’s behind. Which he liked showing off to all and sundry during his 15 minutes.

Nudity did seem to define a few shows in 2009, most of all Trinity, the much hyped ITV2 show starring Charles Dance, Claire Skinner and Christian Cooke. Dubbed the British Gossip Girl, mostly by optimistic publicists and those without the five senses. The best episode of this series was the first one in which Christian Cooke was mostly naked. Fulfilling the dreams of many a lowculturites, who then, like the rest of the country, didn’t watch another episode.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovmrxrKyx4A

Unlike the absolutely fabulously amazing fiercely fantastic five hours of utter televisual brilliance that was Torchwood: Children of Earth. A five night event that eclipsed every other drama that the BBC had shown for years. And it made me cry. Ianto Jones. *sobs*.

Just like the Doctor Who specials. There was no series this year, on account of David Tennant doing a bit of Bill Shakespeare but the specials more than made up for it. In particular Lindsay Duncan as Adelaide Brooke in Waters of Mars was sublime and it set the Doctor up for his final battle perfectly.

While the Doctor was traveling the universe and conquering time, vampires were busy conquering the hearts and minds of humans everywhere through the medium of Twilight but most of all True Blood which finally made its way to the UK. Honestly, can Edward Cullen really compete with Eric Northman? (No is the answer if you must know).

Keeping with the supernatural theme, Being Human delighted us each week with Russell Tovey, Leonora Crichtlow and the quite attractive Aidan Turner playing the werewolf, ghost and vampire sharing a flat in Bristol. It’s gone some way to redeeming Bristol after the new series of Skins. Like I said only some way. Merlin also returned and got gayer by the episode, but sadly Richard Wilson’s “SORCERY!” didn’t make a repeat appearance.

Over on the ‘reality’ front, we saw the final appearance of Dame Margaret ‘Edinburgh isn’t what it used to be’ Mountford on The Apprentice, and then side-gobbed loser went on to present Five’s version of The One Show with Melinda Messenger and Ian Wright. As if one wasn’t enough. Kirstie Allsopp not satisfied with finding other people houses, decided to make one of her own in Kirstie’s Homemade Home, by way of craftsman from ye olde days, when in reality she obviously just wanted to nip to IKEA with a transit van and swipe the plastic, but in these recession heavy times, that’s a no-no.

We were also treated to the penultimate series of Big Brother, and thankfully have not been bothered by that shower of contestants since. In fact 2009 really is the year that reality shows died a slow death. The good ones survive, but the rest just seemed far too long, both in the tooth and in duration.

Comedy-wise, it has been slim pickings, but for me, the two highlights of the year come from ITV3’s Ladies of Letters at the start of the year and BBC2’s Miranda at the end. The ladies deserved a primetime ITV1 spot with their refreshingly witty comedy with not an expletive in sight. (Thank fuck.) Miranda on the other hand, did have the occasional swear word, but it was the most hilarious way to spend a Tuesday night in years. Loaded with retro charm and a formidable cast (Patricia Hodge!) Miranda was one of the most unexpected highlights of the year. Such fun! Happy new year!

Oh Lily Cole. Bless her M&S contract. She may be a student at Cambridge but she’s still a model at heart. As she proved last night on The Graham Norton Show. Which is rapidly turning into a celebrityJust a Minute/Gladiators style tussle between the hundred or so guests that they squeeze onto the sofa each week.

Honestly, they move it to BBC1 and suddenly every Tom, Dick and M&S model wants to be on it. Though why it couldn’t have been Erin I don’t know, at least she can arch her back and still hold a conversation.

There’s a very good reason why models don’t do interviews… they are utter morons. And they don’t recognize Very Good Television like The Supersizers Eat when they see it. How Dame Sue Perkins didn’t give in to the urge to slap La Cole after her “How very method-acting of you” comment, I’ll never know. History of Art indeed.

There were other guests of course, Isabella Rossellini popped in for a chat about her latest career move – shrimp sex. And in one fell swoop destroyed all hope of a credible career in Lily Cole’s mind. Still, she’ll always have her History of Art degree to fall back on.

And then, as a thousand angels cried tears of joy, Michael BOOBLAY appeared and all was well in the world.

He talked about touching Oprah, he got two women flat on their backs and legs akimbo within a few seconds of meeting them, and he talked about meeting the heirs apparent to the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Children of the Corn twin horror crowns - John and Edward and their lack of sex education. And generally just looked quite hot. Which will do me. And in any case, he looked as if he’d finally reached his goal weight after having that last bout of Stomach Flu.

To see the hilarity ensue, catch up on iPlayer

When it comes to celebrity siblings, it’s customary to have a favourite. Noel or Liam, Grant or Phil, Dannii or Kylie – most people will know which side they’re on. However, with Giles and Victoria Coren, it’s not easy to choose which one’s the best. Giles could probably bag you a free meal at a restaurant, but Victoria could win you lots of money at poker. Giles writes letters to subeditors about the intricacies of grammar, but Victoria presented sadly departed words show Balderdash and Piffle. Giles makes a great telly double act with Sue Perkins, but Victoria is great mates with Sue Perkins in real life (AND Claudia Winkleman). Giles is a big hit with those that like the gents, but Victoria is a big hit with those that like the ladies. It’s just too close to call.

Fortunately, you don’t have to decide, because the BBC, in their wisdom, have made this National Coren Day. Well, kind of. A whole ninety minutes of your Monday evenings for the next few weeks can be spent in the company of Giles and Victoria (and Sue), which will be almost as good as being friends with them in real life (and on the subject of people we’d like to be friends with in real life, catch Grace Dent and Charlie Brooker together on C4 tomorrow night).

A new series of the best quiz show of recent years, Only Connect starts at 8.30 on BBC Four. For those that missed it last time round, it became a bit of a phenomenon round these parts as we all wanted to prove we were clever enough to solve at least one of the rounds. We even decided we’d enter a team for this series, but then the auditions were in term time and all those in education couldn’t go, so everyone else ducked out and davidbod from the production team laughed at us for being pussies. Series three, though, we’ll be ready for that. Um, perhaps. This is followed at 9 over on BBC Two by the always wonderful The Supersizers Eat, which this week takes us back to the 1920s, with Sue dressing like a flapper and Giles looking rather, well, dapper. Sadly it’s not yet the 1950s episode everyone’s been looking forward to, but rest assured, that’s on its way…

Now I’m not usually a fan of radio but that’s mainly the fault of Jo BLOODY Whiley and Scott FRIGGIN Mills, but I do enjoy The News Quiz. Not only because Celebrity Lesbian Sandi Toksvig is the chair, but also because Celebrity Lesbian Sue Perkins is a regular panellist.

The News Quiz never fails to have me laughing, which is the main reason that I can’t listen to it in public, I don’t want to develop a reputation. It is the wittier version of Have I Got News For You, and yes there is a certain overlap of topics, but The News Quiz (usually) has five brilliant wits on, whereas HIGNFY has to make do with two, a guest chair and Ian Hislop. And very rarely does it have Celebrity Lesbians, so it just doesn’t stand a chance.

GLUTTONY! The Supersizers Go… Wartime, BBC Two, 9.00pm

The Supersizers Go… follows on from last year’s Edwardian Supersize Me in which Giles Coren and Sue Perkins tried on the Edwardian lifestyle for size. So successful was that show that the BBC commissioned this series on the back of it.

The premise is very simple. Each week, Giles and Sue wear the costumes and adapt the lifestyle, particularly the diet, of a particular era. Over the next six weeks they will also be visiting the Restoration, Regency, Elizabethan and Victorian ages, and, er, the 1970s (which is the one I’m most looking forward to – week three if you want to know). Tonight’s opener sees them taking on the second world war lifestyle. Rationing, powdered egg and that clip where Sue says rocking backwards and forwards to eat your food is not a good sign are all on the menu.

The success of Edwardian Supersize Me lay not only in the novelty value of the costumes and the grub, but in the chemistry between Perkins and Coren. They are both likeable characters and have a level of clever banter that makes their, ahem, ‘journey’ all the more watchable.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that Giles Coren is seen as a bit of a sex symbol for many – so for the next six weeks, feel free to gorge yourselves….