A sting in the tale

WHODUNNIT! Doctor Who, BBC One, 7.00pm

Ten reasons why this Saturday’s Doctor Who will be great:

» 1. It’s based on the life of Agatha Christie, around the time of her disappearance.
» 2. Fenella Woolgar stars as Christie, and Fenella Woolgar is awesome.
» It also stars the wonderful Felicity Kendall. And lots of other talented people, about whom you will go ‘it’s them! Out of that thing!’
» 3. As well as being about Agatha Christie, it has a Christie-esque whodunnit plot.
» 4. It features a giant wasp, which has to be the scariest thing EVER.
» 5. It’s set in the 1920s, so maybe there will be some sly House of Elliot jokes. Probably not, I grant you, but a girl can dream.
» 6. The interaction between Donna and The Doctor, Donna and the people she meets generally, and, well Donna’s presence all round, really, has been awesome this series. So any episode with Donna in will be at least partially awesome.
» 7. I’ve heard about a joke (which I won’t spoil) that sounds bloody awesome
» 8. It was written by Gareth Roberts, who is a friend of lowculture. By which, I mean, he likes lowculture. I’m not speculating about his sexual preferences.
» 9. Doctor Who isn’t on next week, so that will make it extra important to catch, and savour.
» 10. Paul Lang, Mr LC himself, says ‘This Saturday’s Doctor Who is great’.

It’s a bit of a slow TV day

Despite the proliferation of channels in the modern age, inevitably there will still be times when you can’t find anything you want to watch. And as annoying as that might be when you’re sat on the sofa with the remote in hand, it’s even more annoying when you’re trying to write something witty and informative to go up on a TV discussion website. And given that two-and-a-half hours of ITV1’s schedule is given over to Champions League Live coverage, and BBC1 is airing the second half of this week’s Waking the Dead story, which is essentially useless if you didn’t watch it last night, I thought I’d have a skim through the other programmes airing tonight which are of note, but probably aren’t really worthy of an entry all to themselves.

So, at 10pm Channel 4 is showing Michael Barrymore: What Really Happened, which might provide new insights into the funnyman’s fall from grace, but if last week’s Heather Mills exposé is anything to go by, it probably won’t. BBC Three has a new sketch show, Scallywagga; at 10.30pm, which is from a former writer of Smack the Pony and therefore ought to be worth a look on the strength of previous. Be careful to turn off immediately afterwards, though, because otherwise you might end up accidentally watching The Wall and the last thing I want to do is unwittingly inflict Alexa Chung on you.

ITV2 has the final episode of Bionic Woman at 9pm, and congratulations to those of you who made it this far. An hour beforehand on Living, there’s another chance to see last night’s new episode of Britain’s Next Top Model. And while the girls are as homely as ever, there should be bitching aplenty now that they’ve all been living together for a week or so. And finally, there’s a new episode of Battlestar Galactica on Sky One at 9pm, in which Tyrol’s despair grows worse, apparently, but I only have Freeview and therefore am not fully capable of verifying this at the present moment in time.

So there you have it. Hopefully at least one thing to interest everyone, but nothing massively exciting. Fret not though, because Rad will be returning us all to normal service tomorrow with more extensive musing over one particular programme.

Keeping up with the Jones

STRATAGEM! Doctor Who, BBC One, 6.20pm

This is a bit of a ‘people returning’ kind of series of Doctor Who. We’ve already seen Donna, Wilf, The Ood and (briefly) Rose make their comebacks, and tonight sees three more very welcome returns.

In ‘The Sontaran Stratagem’, the first of a two-parter, Dame Martha Jones is BACK! We are very happy about this. We love Martha, and we love Donna and so Martha and Donna in one episode makes us very very excited indeed. And if Martha is back, then that must also mean UNIT are back. UNIT have only been mentioned briefly in New Who, although they had a slightly larger mention when Martha popped up in Torchwood last series. For the uninitiated, UNIT stands for UNified Intelligence Taskforce (formerly United Nations…) and it’s a military organisation that used to involve all kinds of Who recurring characters, such as The Brigadier, and the one and only Sarah Jane Smith. Martha is now working there, and UNIT play a large role in this two-parter as old adversaries of the Doctor’s return to threaten the earth.

Those adversaries are the Sontarans. Mainly seen in the 70s, and a little bit in the 80s, these ‘potato-headed’ villains have a penchant for war and also for cloning. Hmmmmm. The chief Sontaran in this two-parter is played by former Young Ones actor Christopher Ryan. However, we know the big casting news for some of you is the appearance of Christian Cooke as someone called Ross Jenkins.

This fourth series of New Who has been a joy so far, we’ve loved speculating what might happen in the future, we’ve loved Wilf and Sylvia (in tonight’s episode as well), we’ve loved the aliens and we’ve very much loved Donna. We can only hope tonight’s episode keeps up the good work - from the trailers we’ve seen (and yes, this is the episode with Martha in slime that caused the filthmongers of the internet to suggest she’d been involved in a deviant sexual practice beginning with B, the pervs) it looks like it will…

The Sunshine After the Rain

NOBLE! Well, thank goodness Doctor Who is back to save us from the maudlin state that last night’s Torchwood finale put us in. We’re not sure we could have coped without something to see us through.

It seems an eternity since Dame Martha Jones bid the Doctor farewell and almost as long since Kylie died in the Christmas special. But here we are, ready for thirteen weeks of new adventures. The start of a new series of Who is always a funny experience. We simultaneously want all thirteen weeks to come at once so we can find out what happens, and want them to be stretched out even longer so it doesn’t have to end. That feeling is even more acute as we have heard some tantalising rumours about the content of this series, yet we know we will be restricted to a mere handful of specials in 2009 rather than a series ‘proper’.

Tonight sees the return of Donna Noble, and we just think Catherine Tate will be brilliant in this series. She’s not going to be the only returnee, either, as during the course of its run, a whole plethora of old friends and enemies return. If you don’t know who at least some of them are, well done you, for being able to hide under a rock. And if you’ve managed to avoid spoilers for now, we son’t ruin that for you. Suffice to say, we are excited about pretty much everything we’ve heard about what’s ahead - and even more so about all the things we haven’t yet heard about.

And, of course, there are also lots of new faces for us to get used to. Tonight’s episode introduces us to a new alien race, the Adipose, and the rather fabulous looking Miss Foster, played by Sarah Lancashire (one of many, many awesome guest stars lined up for the course of series 4). Who is she? What is Adipose industries? And what is that familiar-looking little tool she has with a blue light….?

Doctor Who, BBC One, 6.20pm

CLASSICS! Verity Lambert Night, BBC Four, 7.10pm

It is only fitting that the first night of the new series of Doctor Who is also Verity Lambert night. A tribute to one of Who’s creators and one of TV’s top producers, it includes lots of old Who, The Naked Civil Servant, Minder, Jonathan Creek and a documentary about the life and work of the goodlady herself (which airs at 9.50pm). Watch in awe at just how much amazing one person can produce in their lifetime.

And apologies for the spoiler-tastic post about Torchwood’s finale that was here earlier. We’ve taken it down now, which we know doesn’t help anyone who happened to see it already. For our penance we will watch the whole of David Enchilada’s performance AND talky bit to camera on American Idol next week. Twice.

In Memoriam

Toshiko Sato. Born: 1975. Died: April 2008.

Toshiko Sato will be fondly remembered by all lowculture viewers for her tireless heroics in the thankless task of working for Torchwood. A computer genius and technical wizz, Toshiko was recruited to Torchwood Three, Cardiff, in 2003, to avoid being detained any longer in prison. She went on to save the world numerous times and fall in love with resurrected soldiers, alien lesbians and rapey colleagues. She died by a gunshot wound, whilst saving the world yet again. Although she was never really given the credit she deserved by her co-workers, we saw her endeavours and loved her. Life was unkind to Toshiko, but we are reassured that at last she has her happy ending, gone to be with her Emmerdale toy-boy soldier, Tommy, in Heaven.

Dr “Rapey” Owen Harper was recruited to Torchwood Three, Cardiff, earlier this decade after witnessing his fiancee, Katie, fall prone to an alien-inflicted Alzheimer’s-like-disease. Dr Harper was a tortured, misunderstood individual, who liked women, weevils and wearing his white doctor’s coat. Like Ms Sato, he, too, saved the world repeatedly. Dr Harper died after being shot by Jim Robinson, yet was resurrected in a similar manner to fellow deceased colleague, Suzie Costello, and rescued a number of people from the curse of ‘Death’ before finally passing away in the nuclear attacks on Beautiful Cardiff in April 2008.

Fade to Gray

DANGER! Torchwood, BBC Two, 9.00pm

We are sad to see that this is the last episode in what has largely been a rip-roaring, emotional, tense, funny, Cardiff-centric series of Torchwood (although we couldn’t be happier with the timing that means this ends and Doctor Who begins). As much as anything, this series has been a lot of fun.

From seeing Ianto being given a lot more lines and growing to be funny and generally just amazing, to the wonderful plethora of guest stars (including James Marsters, Ruth Jones, Richard Briers, Nerys Hughes and JIM ROBINSON), to the presence of our lovely Martha Jones, to Rhys and PC Andy being generally fabulous, to kick-ass lesbian Victorian Torchwood, to Owen finally becoming likeable, it’s been a pretty darn good few weeks in Cardiff.

But tonight’s finale scares us a little. We’re sure it will be exciting, dramatic and probably also quite funny. But all the previews we have read say it’s going to be ’shocking’ and ’sad’. If you remember back to the opening episode, Captain Jack’s former partner and fellow time agent, Captain John arrived in Cardiff with a grudge against Jack and left having gained a poodle fetish and vowing revenge. He also told us he’d ‘found Gray’. Later episodes revealed that Gray is John’s brother who went missing when they were children.

We were left at the end of the last episode with John’s Star Wars style hologram telling Jack he was coming back to wreck his life. And we saw that he had Gray.

So what will happen tonight? Will Gray and Jack be reunited, or will Gray be lost forever? Will our plucky team survive? Will beautiful Cardiff remain intact? Will Owen die again? Will Tosh get to leave for a better job and a happier life as her five-year contract comes to an end? (We dearly hope so, but we are scared because Russell T Davies and co were saying on Torchwood Declassified the other week that they never let Tosh have happy endings. Let’s hope she will finally get one? Please? Pretty please?)

We have no idea, but we’re looking forward to (and also dreading a little bit) finding out…

Rhys Lightning

MEATY! Torchwood, BBC2, 9pm

Three episodes down and, thankfully, the rumours have been true so far: Torchwood keeps getting better. One thing it hasn’t yet addressed, however, is Gwen’s persistent wanderlust. She clearly isn’t all that bothered about being with Rhys, other than that the relationship with him brings some stability to her life. And possibly helps her smug it over the others a bit. Last series we at least got to see him sometimes, though. This year he’s been just featured in tiny glimpses, presumably as a metaphor for him moving to the periphery of Gwen’s life, even if they are ‘engaged’.

This is all a shame. We like Rhys. We think it would improve Gwen’s character, too, if she was clearly in love with him, didn’t keep flirting (and sometimes sleeping) with other men (and women) and if she was happy to maintain a life outside of Torchwood as well as her work life. It would add a little depth to the emotional side of the show and perhaps also challenge the others and their ‘ZOMG! TORCHWOOD IS MAI TOTAL LYFE’ attitudes, too.

We like Rhys. We also like Policeman Andy, Gwen’s former colleague. A show like this needs its anchors to the rest of the world. Whilst Andy often represents the somewhat cynical voice of the viewer, Rhys fulfils the vital function (according to one of our most sci-fi geeky friends) of being the show’s ‘jock’ character - and we mean jock in the butch blokey kind of way, not the slightly offensive term for Scottish way, because we must not forget that this is a WELSH show set in CARDIFF after all.

So how do we greet the news that tonight’s episode is quite Rhys-centric? Well, with trepidation, if we’re honest, even though we are pleased the character is finally getting some attention. Apparently tonight’s episode sees Rhys find out about Torchwood. But he’s done that before and had it all drugged out of him afterwards, so who’s to say that won’t happen again? We also wonder if someone might die this series, because someone always dies in long-running series eventually. We can’t help but think that if Rhys finds out about Torchwood it might signal the beginning of the end for him. And if that happens, we will not be happy at all.

An important announcement from the Cardiff tourist board

NEW! IMPROVED? Torchwood, BBC2, 9pm

Yes, that’s right, our favourite Cardiff-based alien-hunting bisexuals are back! Now, we are actually quite excted about the return of Torchwood. Contrary to popular opinion, we didn’t think series 1 was all that bad. Well, it was in parts, but some parts of it were really good. What it suffered from was complete inconsistency. And a not-altogether-likeable bunch of main characters (except Suzie. We loved Suzie). And the fact that it wasn’t a patch on Doctor Who. Then The Sarah Jane Adventures came along and blew it out of the water.

However, the portents for series two of this Cardiff-set drama are pretty good. Apparently the team behind it decided to pull their socks up and rectify all the things that were so wrong first time around. So we’ve been promised less angst, more likeable characters, more engaging storylines, more Cardiff and even some humour. The post watershed edited repeat (startng next week) means that the violence, sex and swearing will be minimised and so it will hopefully feel a little bit less like late-night Hollyoaks (ZOMG! WE IZ CAN DO SWEARING AN STUFF. IN CARDIFF) and more like a proper good sci-fi drama romp. In Cardiff. We are also ultra, ultra excited by the prospect of Dame Martha Jones turning up halfway and being fierce.

Episode one sees the arrival in Cardiff of another time-travelling sexual terrorist time agent in the form of Captain John, who is played, excitingly, by James Marsters. Whilst he may seem a bit exciting to be visiting Cardiff, apparently Torchwood went down well in the USA, so we get some proper exciting guest stars this series, in the form of Marsters, Jim Robinson (sorry Alan Dale, but that’s all you’ll ever be in this country) and, bizarrely enough, Richard Briers. And we’re sure the Cardiff skyline will play an important role, too. And though we haven’t heard any rumours to support our theory, don’t be surprised if Myleene Klass turns up. Just so that Barrowman doesn’t get all the limelight.

Anyway. Things we would like to see in this series include Martha being uber-fierce, Captain Jack actually shagging an alien (all the pre-show publicity was like ‘oh Captain Jack, he’ll shag anyone or anything, but all we have seen so far is him snogging men and women! How vanilla!), the return of Suzie, some properly scary enemies, Rhys growing some balls, Owen facing up to being a Weevil-baiting ‘good’ rapist (TM Hollyoaks) who almost ended the world by chasing after a woman WHO DUMPED HIM, a kick-ass finale, preferably featuring Suzie, and some more of Tosh and Ianto. And Cardiff, of course.

Things we would like not to see include Owen (or anyone) shagging Martha, Owen shagging Gwen, Owen shagging Jack, Owen shagging Ianto, Owen shagging Toshiko, Owen shagging Suzie’s corpse, Owen shagging Captain John, Owen shagging Jim Robinson, Owen shagging alien/guest character of the week, the return of that rubbish demon baddie thing that ruined the finale, a return to Countrycide village, Owen shagging Richard Briers.

Every source we have read or heard (including our own beloved leader Paul) says episode one of this new series of the Cardiff-based show is a triumph. So let’s just hope the rest of it carries on in that vein, eh?

Adventures in Time and Space