Streepmate

MUSICAL! Abba: The Mamma Mia! Story, ITV1, 9.00pm

I refuse to believe there is a single person on Earth who is not champing at the bit waiting to see Mamma Mia! in the cinema. (Please note: this is hyperbole, please do not take it as an invitation to prove me wrong in the comments box.) Meryl Streep singing Abba? With Julie Walters, Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, Christina Baranski and Amanda “so if you’re from Africa, why are you white?” Seyfried? And the fit one from The History Boys thrown into the bargain? I’ve given up pretending that I’m not giddily excited by the prospect, and am in fact a mere hair’s breadth away from accosting total strangers in the street to tell them about it.

So to get us all in the mood, here’s a glorified trailer from the lovely folks at ITV, which is ostensibly a look at the genesis of the musical based on the hit songs of Abba, but is really just an extended excuse to remind us all that the film is out and that we should all go and see it. And there’s not anything I can really add to that, so here’s the lovely Amanda Seyfried - whom I fanboy unashamedly - singing ‘Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)’ and making my life in the process.

Amazing.

You beauty

APPEARANCE! Snog, Marry, Avoid?, BBC Three, 8.30pm

I for one am quite excited about BBC Three’s forthcoming season on the perception of beauty; it’s kind of heartening that they’re finding time for a bit of serious thoughtful programming amongst all the Two Pints repeats. In particular I’m looking forward to Britain’s Missing Top Model, which appears to be some kind of reality-show/serious documentary hybrid in search of a disabled star model, which appears to be the focus piece of the season. The whole shebang kicks off in earnest a week tomorrow, but it looks like they’re getting us in the mood for it with this tonight.

Significantly more lighthearted (at least everything I’ve heard about it leads me to deduce that), this is being touted as the world’s first make-under show, and as someone whose burning hatred of 10 Years Younger runs through every part of my body, I cannot fail to approve. It essentially involves scanning the street for people with tanorexia and bad extensions and things and showing them how to look more naturally beautiful with the aid of an outspoken Personal Overhaul Device, or POD to you and me. And brilliantly, it’s presented by Jenny Frost of Atomic Kitten fame, someone who’s been no stranger to the colour orange in the past, but has now seen the error of her ways, apparently.

It all sounds fairly simple, and I have my suspicions that it might be quite entertaining in a Spendaholics sort of way, and in a week where there really doesn’t appear to be much on yet again, it’s at least always nice to have something new to pass judgement on, so I’ll see you on the forums at 9.00pm…

TFI Friday… oh, hang on…

MISPLACED! The Sunday Night Project, Channel 4, 10.00pm

Proving that it isn’t just their lifestyle and makeover shows that come round several times a year, Channel 4 bring us a new series of The Friday Night Project, about five minutes after the last one ended.

Now, I’m sure I can’t be the only one who thinks that this show’s natural home would be after the Friday night Big Brother eviction show, in the same way that slot worked so well for So Graham Norton several years back. But apparently not. Maybe the network didn’t want to have this and 8 Out of 10 Cats scheduled on the same night, which seems odd to me with Friday usually being the time for comedy shows and slightly anarchic magazine shows on 4, but I’m just a viewer, what do I know?

So this new series is now on a Sunday and titled The Sunday Night Project. The new scheduling is either going to be a work of genius or is going to tank horribly.

As for the show itself, well I expect it will be as hit and miss as usual. Its success usually depends on the guest host. The David Tennant episodes (pictured) were fabulous. Particularly the one that Freema was on as well, and the Mariah Carey one was ‘interesting’. Tonight the hosts are Peter Andre and Jordan/Katie Price, who seem a bit 2006, but could be good fun.

So, with Big Brother launching on a Thursday, and now The Sunday Night Project, expect more kerrazy scheduling from the people at 4 in the future. Well, they have to have something to discuss on their monthly discussion forum, The TV Show.

You are the weakest link… you’re fired.

QUIZZERY! The Weakest Link: Apprentice Special, BBC Three, 8.30pm

The BBC are plugging the final of The Apprentice really hard this year. As well as the final five show last week, there’s Why I Fired Them on Sunday, not to mention both You’re Fired ANDYou’re Hired after the final show. Tonight sees several past contestants up against Anne Robinson on The Weakest Link.

Sadly, Rory Laing and Nicholas De Lacy Brown don’t appear to be on the list of people appearing. Boo.However, we do have fame whores Katie Hopkins, Tre Azam, Jo Cameron and Jenny Celery, plus professional incompetents Kevin ‘Matt Lucas’ Shaw and Ian Stringer, all-round-nice0guy James Max, all-round-sleaze Paul Torrisi and all-round-fierce Kristina Grimes.

There’s not much more to say, you know the drill, tycoons of tomorrow, toughest challenge ever and one of them is GANNA GET FIYUD.

Err, hang on a minute…

Culture Club

ECLECTIC! The Culture Show, BBC Two, 10.00pm

Unless you have avoided the BBC for the past month or so, you will have noticed its new trails for The Culture Show. Featuring a huge range of famous faces trying to define ‘culture’, they may have aped Channel 4’s talking head idents but they also worked quite well as providing an indication of what this show is all about. There is also a kerrazy magnetic-fridge-magnet style website up as I write, though this may come down as they start showing actual programmes.

Combining the worlds of highculture, lowculture and everything inbetween, The Culture Show isn’t afraid to look at all genres of music, art, film, theatre, architecture, fashion and literature. And probably some other stuff I’ve forgotten.

It seems rather strange, though, that despite it having being running for umpteen series, the Beeb are only now promoting it. That’s because it has moved into a new timeslot. Following early evening showings on a Thursday (I think) then a Saturday, its new home is a Tuesday night. What the pre-publicity doesn’t tell you, however, is that the Tuesday show is a shortened version and the ‘proper’, full-length one is going out on a Friday night. They are hoping this will alternate series with Later… and Later Live…, an experiment which seems to have worked quite well for BBC Two.

Tonight’s features include Ricky Gervais, Karl Pilkington, Gustav Klimt and poet Simon Armitage trying to become a pop star, and Friday’s show proper adds Mark Kermode’s film reviews and an interview with a Venezualen conductor into the mix. Sounds random? That’s the beauty of this show though - the likes of the Scissor Sisters and Lily Allen can share a bill with obscure choreographers, long-dead painters, Hollywood blockbuster stars and graphic novellists. Don’t like one feature? Something you do like will be along in a minute. You never know, lobby them hard-enough and they’ll probably run a piece on why Terri McIntyre deserves a revival…

The revolution will be televised

TELLY! How Television Changed Britain, Channel 4, 8.00pm

Television. Where would we be without it? There would be no iPlayer, no YouTube, no Saturday night slutbagging and, unthinkably, no lowculture. So we owe it a lot of gratitude. Channel 4 thinks so, too, which is why it has dedicated a whole six week run to exploring the impact television has had on us, in How Television Changed Britain.

Each of the six episodes has a theme, and the series will look at the impact those types of programming have had on aspects of British life. It does all sound a bit BBC Four (which is not a criticism, we love BBC Four here) but I expect it will also have more than a touch of The 100 Best… and I Love The…. about it.

In future weeks we will be getting property, fame (reality TV and so on), IQ (quiz shows), teens and, er, women. Tonight’s opener is Cop Shows. It looks at how programmes such as The Bill, The Sweeney, Z Cars (and here I must throw in the obligatory mention of my Dad being in that show) and Life on Mars changed the way we think about police and their work. The Thin Blue Line and Heartbeat are not included, unsurprisingly (nor, shockingly, is Juliet Bravo).

Rice to see you

JUMPSUITS! Ready Steady Cook, BBC Two, 4.30pm

lowculture alert! Tonight’s Ready Steady Cook features the two jumpsuited titans of Treasure Hunt, Anneka Rice and Annabel Croft.

This has got me thinking. Channel 4’s 8.00pm slot is in a bit of a rut, with endless ‘new’ series of property shows that contain two new episodes and a whole bunch of repeats. I usually love these shows, but I never really watch them any more because I’m feeling property-showed-out and I’m fed up of seeing the same repeats all the time. So I propose they move to showing one, longer, new series of each show a year, with one revisists episode that covers a few properties, and the rest of the time, they resurrect their family game show tradition.

They can begin with Treasure Hunt. They need to get Anneka, Wincey, Kenneth and the gang back (and maybe find a little job for Annabel, too) for some chasing round the country hi-jinks. And none of these new-fangled twenty-first century twists, either. PDAs, mobile phones, laptops, GPS and satnav can all simply be banned. It would be wonderful, trust me.

Once they’ve done that, they can move on to resurrecting The Crystal Maze. Again, the trick would be to keep it the same as the old format: Richard O’Brien, the industrial, medieval, aztec and futuristic (I think) zones, the skill/physical/mental themed games (although new games are allowed), Mummy, the crystal dome, business buffoons in boiler suits and the rubbish ‘team-building’ weekend away prizes.

Now, wouldn’t that liven up their evening schedules more than seeing an episode of Property Ladder you’ve seen eight times already?

(And while they’re at it, T4 should pinch the rights to Knightmare seeing as ITV won’t ever make a new series. Teenagers, CGI and men dressed as court jesters is just what hangover TV has been crying out for)

Do you have the will and the skill?

READY! Gladiators, Sky One, 6.00pm

I would start by suggesting that the return of Gladiators is something ITV1 should have come up with to ’save their flagging channel’, but let’s face it, they’d have only made a hash of it. So what can we expect from the Sky One version of the series?

1) New-but-not-all-that-new-presenters

Taking over from John Fashanu and Ulrika Jonsson are Ian Wright and Kirsty Gallacher. ‘Wrighty’ will no doubt fit seamlessly into the ‘Fash’ role of being slightly over-excitable and making silly noises, while Kirsty will probably also emulate Ulrika’s air of slight bemusement fairly well, so, no real changes there.

2) John Anderson

The famous Scottish referee, he of the ‘Contenders… Rrrrrready, Gladiatorrrrs… Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrready, 3…2….1′ is back, so no changes there.

3) Gladiators with silly names and skimpy togs

This year’s bunch are: Battleaxe, Inferno, Ice, Tempest, Predator, Tornado, Spartan, Panther, Enigma, Oblivion, Destroyer and, er, Atlas.

Sadly, the costumes don’t have a silly picture of their name on. But they are skimpy, and the gladiator theme tunes are present and correct. Only minor changes here.

4) The Games!

Apparently most of the games will be the old favourites, with just one new game, ‘Earthquake’. Not a bad move, as there will be a whole new audience of children who’ve never seen it before and the old audience will like revisiting the games we so loved (Atlaspheres! That one with the ‘cotton buds’! Err, the other ones!)

So, all in all, the new series sounds like it could be pretty successful. Except there’s no sign of it in the Sky Three schedules yet, so those of us who are without satellite will never know…

Soap and Glory

PRIZES! The British Soap Awards, ITV1, 8.00pm

Tonight sees the annual awards ceremony, where Coronation Street, EastEnders, Hollyoaks, Emmerdale and Doctors fight it out for who is the bestest at things such as having sexy characters, having annoying child actors and, erm, having ‘on screen partnerships’. The Bill doesn’t count, because despite being scheduled like a soap for the last umpteen years, and featuring several soap alumni, it is a serious drama, m’kay. The Archers also doesn’t count because it’s on radio and radio doesn’t count. Or something. I’m sure they also used to have some international soap award that Home and Away and Neighbours used to take it in turns to win, but maybe that was some other similar awards ceremony. It’s not present this year, anyway. Poor old Out of the Blue - just arrived and no chance of it being the Liberal Democrats of the Aussie soap awards wars.

Of course, this ceremony isn’t actually taking place LIVE! TONIGHT! That would make it far too much of an event. It actually happened over the weekend and if you don’t know who won everything already, I’m not sure you’re the kind of person who gives enough of a fig to sit through two hours of this on ITV1. Unless you really, really like Fern’n'Phil (which is fair enough, I suppose). The bits it will be worth watching for, though, are the dreadful outfits everyone turns up in. Hollyoaks stars particularly excel at this ’sport’.

Anyway, if you haven’t already seen the results list, I won’t spoil it for you, except to say that generally the winners were deserved (generally) and there were a few shocks about which soap won the most, and about one award’s result in particular…

Meera’s back, Denise’s front and Geri’s… shaft?

TODAY’S ENTERTAINMENT SNIPPETS

Meera Syal has been wandering around the building I work in today, and some basic nosiness has revealed she is here rehearsing a new BBC2 sitcom. Beautiful People is set in Reading in 1997, and is based on the childhood memoirs of window dresser and taste maker Simon Doonan as he tries to claw his way out of suburban hell to enjoy life with the “beautiful people”. Olivia Coleman from Peep Show is in it too. » Denise Van Outen has revealed that she turned down an offer of £1m to pose nude in Playboy magazine. There’s definitely a joke in there somewhere, probably involving the phrase “Get Them Outen”, but it would be crass and obvious to actually make it. » And finally, in the week’s least interesting development (so far) Geri Halliwell was briefly stuck in a lift yesterday, but was freed shortly afterwards with the minimum of fuss.

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