I want it all and I want it now

Fans of Aussie soaps, American dramas and wacky documentaries, rejoice! Five has finally launched Demand Five, its online catch-up service, after a trial service recently for some of its US imports. Now you need never miss an episode of Neighbours or Home and Away, or any of the network’s other shows, as in addition to the million or so showings across the week on the main channel and its subsidiaries, you can watch programmes through the shiny new interweb. Except (whispers) when I tried to use it last night, it wasn’t doing anything and crashed my browser. Still, early days and all that.

Five isn’t the only network redeveloping its online catch-up service. Following rumblings that 4OD wasn’t really cutting the mustard compared to the BBC iPlayer, you can now watch some of their shows from the past week on their main website. ITV’s online service has also vastly improved lately, or so I hear, as I can’t remember the last time I wanted to watch an ITV show and would have needed such a service, apart from episode two of Pushing Daisies, inbetween episodes one and three, grumble, grumble. Still it will mean I can watch Harry Hill’s TV Burp when it returns, because I always forget.

Not to be outdone, the Beeb are also trialling a new Beta version of the iPlayer. Soon no-one in Britain will ever get any work done again…

Air we go

Unbelievably, someone has come up for a use for your webcam that doesn’t involve having a wank for the benefit of a distant stranger. No, we’re talking about a different kind of strumming here – air guitar.

Unstrum Hero is E4’s latest viral wheeze, and it’s easy to join in. All you have to do is film yourself going a bit nuts for 60 seconds, with your imaginary guitar, in front of an imaginary crowd, then upload your efforts to the Unstrum Hero website. The closing date has now been extended to 21st July, so there’s still plenty of time to get your entries in.

The videos will be judged by one of the UK’s top air guitarists, Zac Monro, and the winner will be sent to London to compete for the title of UK Air Guitar Champion – and could end up representing the UK at the world championships in Finland. The winner will also get a Gibson guitar of their very own – handy if they get bored of playing the air.

To help you get started, here are some lowculture tips for successful air guitaring.

» Have a couple of glasses of wine before starting – just so you don’t feel silly. But hey kids – drink responsibly (for example, you should put the glass down before you start your air guitaring, so you don’t spill any booze on your mother’s good carpet).

» Grow your hair long and let it get all dirty and matted.

» Pour yourself into some extra-tight denims – not skinny jeans, just ones that are far too small for you.

» Put a stupid cap on.

» Don’t forget yourself when the light on the webcam goes on and just start wanking – E4 will probably not be able to show your clip.

What’s the story?

APPEARANCE! Taggart, ITV1, 9.00pm

Just a very quick note - sort of a lowculture text alert but not sent via text - to inform you of a grave happening. The appearance of Miss Hoolie in this week’s episode of Taggart can only lead us to assume that there has been some kind of terrible happening in Balamory. Is it what we alway suspected, that someone as scatty as Edie McCredie should not have been trusted with a busload of children every morning and this has led to some kind of tragic accident? Did Suzie Sweet finally snap and run amok with a chainsaw? Did PC Plum become a bent copper? Or is it just that Julie Wilson Nimmo is a jobbing actor playing another role? Frankly, we wouldn’t like to hazard a guess…

Sex and the Steve Jones

FLIRTY! Sex and the City Sunday, Channel 4, Sunday, from 8.50am

Ooh, that Steve Jones, he’s a one. If it’s female and isn’t nailed down, he’ll flirt with it. So you can imagine how overexcited he got when filming for this weekend’s T4 Sex and the City Sunday brought him face-to-face with the film’s stars, Kim Cattrall, Kristen Davis, Sarah Jessica Parker and… oh, what’s that you say? Cynthia Nixon was interviewed by Miquita? Well, I guess some mountains are just too high to climb, even for Steve.

There was a bit of a false start when Steve chatted to Kim, though. He scored some flirt points for calling her a “sexy sex pot” like her character, Samantha. But then Kim said that, like Samantha, she is a fan of younger men, and made a grab for Steve’s leg. His quip of “don’t we all” had the unfortunate effect of making Kim think he was A GAY. A GAY! Not our Steve Jones, Kim, oh no – he likes putting it in LADIES. Final flirt score out of 10: Minus 10 (for creating homoerotic confusion).

In typical Manhattan dating style, Steve immediately moved on to his next conquest, the lovely Kristen Davis. He decided to dazzle her by drawing her portrait which he then presented to her. This portrait featured Kristen Davies sporting a T-shirt with Steve’s face and the words “Sex Panther Jones” plastered on it. “Sex Panther?” squealed a delighted Kristen. “Is that a previous name you’re known under?”. “I was hoping you would end up calling me that,” he replied. Kristin then managed to simultaneously inflate and deflate his ego, by telling him that he hadn’t done himself justice, and looked better than his picture in real life. Final flirt score out of 10: 6 (marks off for “Sex Panther Jones”. Ridiculous!).

So far, so average – but how did things go with Sarah Jessica Parker? Well, the day’s gay theme continued with a bit of a girly chat about outfits from the film. But! The Sex Panther saw his opportunity to do what he does best when she mentioned a belt which she named Roger that she wore for most of the filming. Unfortunately, his comeback of “It’s nice to know that you had a roger wrapped around your waist for most of the movie” doesn’t quite make sense, but it was a valiant effort all the same. Later he asked her what he needed to do to become Mr Big and whether he should consider surgery. Certainly not on the ego, eh Steve? Final flirt score out of 10: 0 (or possibly, 10 if we’re just not clever enough to understand Steve’s gag).

Word has it that Cynthia and Kristen were overheard talking about Steve between filming, and Kristen was showing off her portrait, which she asked Steve to sign so she could keep. Result! Another flirting triumph for Sunday morning telly’s biggest tart.

» You can see all of this on Sunday’s T4, which is dedicating all the bits that aren’t Hollyoaks, Shipwrecked or repeats of Friends to Sex and the City.

Sure as eggs

Back in the day, I used to work at Top of the Pops Magazine, and someone there had the hilarious idea to get popstars to decorate hard-boiled eggs as themselves. Most of them told us to get lost, but no less a personality than Rachel Stevens HERSELF stepped up to the paints, and laid us a beautiful egg in her own image.

It then fell to me to photograph these eggs to go in the magazine, so they were gingerly handed to me with the immortal instruction: “DON’T DROP THE FUCKING EGGS!”

Of course, the very first thing I did was let Rachel Stevens The Egg roll off the table and shatter into pieces. Not to be deterred, I took a photo of her anyway and just touched up the cracks in Photoshop – which is probably not a million miles away from what actually happens to most popstar photos before publication. Apart from Rachel’s, of course – we’re sure she has a skin like purest alabaster.

Anyway, this rather long and not-especially-interesting anecdote came to mind when I heard about E4’s E4.com’s Egg Fight, in which eggs done up to look like celebs must face trial-by-microwave to see who pops first. It’s probably the closest you’ll ever come to seeing Jordan, Jodie Marsh and Kerry Katona being boiled alive on the internet, and that has to be worth two minutes of anyone’s time.

There’s a load more web-exclusive stuff to look at too, including two young Scots travelling the world performing 101 Challenges set by E4 viewers. Most lowculture readers will probably think they’re a pair of idiots, but they do seem to get their kit off quite a lot, so that’s something at least.

Changing channel, changing gear, changing city

TODAY’S ENTERTAINMENT SNIPPETS

BBC1’s new Australian soap, Out Of The Blue, isn’t doing too well – it’s been shunted off to BBC2 after just six episodes. The slot will be filled by yet more repeats of Diagnosis Murder. » The ever-classy Five is to show a documentary called My Car Is My Lover later this month. Yes, that’s right, a show about men who shag their motors. Part of the new Strangelove strand, it will be followed by an equally odd doc entitled The Woman Who Married The Eiffell Tower. Takes all sorts… » Production of Ugly Betty might be about to move to New York from LA, where it’s been based for two years. Up to 100 Ugly Better staffers could be out of a job – although the writers might stay in LA and, y’know, just email the scripts over or something.

Meera’s back, Denise’s front and Geri’s… shaft?

TODAY’S ENTERTAINMENT SNIPPETS

Meera Syal has been wandering around the building I work in today, and some basic nosiness has revealed she is here rehearsing a new BBC2 sitcom. Beautiful People is set in Reading in 1997, and is based on the childhood memoirs of window dresser and taste maker Simon Doonan as he tries to claw his way out of suburban hell to enjoy life with the “beautiful people”. Olivia Coleman from Peep Show is in it too. » Denise Van Outen has revealed that she turned down an offer of £1m to pose nude in Playboy magazine. There’s definitely a joke in there somewhere, probably involving the phrase “Get Them Outen”, but it would be crass and obvious to actually make it. » And finally, in the week’s least interesting development (so far) Geri Halliwell was briefly stuck in a lift yesterday, but was freed shortly afterwards with the minimum of fuss.

A brassy lady, a resurrection and a muppet

TODAY’S ENTERTAINMENT SNIPPETS

That little minx Kylie Minogue is set to throw a few sparkly things in a suitcase and head out on tour again. Her band will include a brass section for the first time, so there can be no excuses for not performing Word Is Out. Well, apart from the fact it’s rubbish, of course. » Lowculture is already bored rigid by the constant stream of non-news relating to the comeback of Gladiators, so it gives us very little pleasure to report that Five are relaunching another old format – Superstars. For the uninitiated (or the disinterested), the show sees four teams of atheletes pitted against each other in a series of tedious sporting events. “Great”. » A forthcoming episode of Sesame Street will be brought to you by the celebrity David Beckham. He will be popping up to teach Elmo the word “persistence”.

A comeback, a reprise and a nice mug of fizzy Bovril

TODAY’S ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

Margi Clarke looks set to return to Coronation Street as Tyrone’s mum, Jackie Dobbs. The actress once claimed that some of the older Corrie cast were not best pleased at her last appearance, so things should be interesting when she arrives on set, shouting the odds. » The Britney Spears fightback continues – she’s set to make another appearance in sitcome How I Met Your Mother. Maybe all our Kerry Katona needs to get her act together and sort out a guest spot on My Family. » Dave Gorman. is coming to BBC2 with a telly version of his radio comedy, Genius. The show sees Gorman and a celebrity guest judge consider ingenious ideas from members of the public. Previous suggestions have included summerwear for goths, and fizzy Bovril.