Holding out for Heroes

FINALE! Heroes, BBC Two, 9.00pm

Haters to the left, as I believe they say on the internet; I enjoyed season two of Heroes, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Sure, I’ll admit that it had its faults: Hiro’s adventures in ancient Japan grew tedious very quickly, the accents in the “Cork, Ireland” segments were appalling, the addition of Maya and Alejandro to the cast was well-intentioned but probably ill-advised, the special effects budget appeared at times to be whatever spare change Tim Kring had in his back pocket, some genius decided to waste the fantastic chemistry between Adrian Pasdar and Milo Ventimiglia by separating them for pretty much the entire season…wait, this is supposed to be me saying why I liked the second season, isn’t it?

Fine, I have reasons for that too: Kristen Bell, David Anders and Dana Davis were all excellent additions to the cast, the virus storyline was gripping once it got going, Angela Petrelli continued her campaign to become the most awesome matriarch in the history of television, Milo Ventimiglia took his shirt off a lot, and Niki punched Mohinder in the face. (I try to like Mohinder, I really do, but I couldn’t help considering that a touch of fanservice for those of us who have tired of his soporific voiceovers.) More importantly, I think the season was more than the sum of its parts, because even when it was churning out slightly sub-par episodes, it was still incredibly watchable and enabled me to run off and speculate on all manner of conspiracy theories relating to possible future plot developments.

Sadly the season was cut short by the writers’ strike just as it was really started to get its act together, and the writers decided to cut their losses and work on trying to get season three right rather than salvage what was left of season two, which was perhaps a sensible idea under the circumstances. The final episode was teased in America with the line “two Heroes will fall”, so start placing your bets on who’ll carp it before the closing credits. Though of course, on this show, no one stays dead for long anyway, right?

If you can’t stand the heat

KITCHEN! Celebrity Masterchef, BBC Two, 8.00pm

It’s been a few weeks since Great British Menu vacated our screens, so it’s definitely time for another daily cookery challenge, no? Be warned, though, the new series of Celebrity Masterchef isn’t on at 6.30pm on BBC Two, it’s on at 8pm on BBC One. And because of the tennis, expect it to jump about a bit, with some episodes an hour, and some half an hour. Oh, and because of the tennis, it’s not on every day at present, so get your highlighter pen accquainted with your favourite TV listings mag.

For those that haven’t seen it before, it’s a very simple format. Three celebrities cook three sets of food: one from a bag of ‘mystery ingredients’, one in a restaurant, and one two-course meal of their choosing. The inner goes through into the semi finals, and so on, until someone wins. Previous winners include Matt Dawson (grr) and Nadia Sawalha (hurrah!).

This series there is a mixed bag of celebrities taking part, from the reality stalwarts (Denise Lewis, Andi Peters, Christopher Parker), to the rather rubbish (Mick from Brookside, some bloke from The Bill), to the ruddy brilliant (Claire Richards, Michael Buerk, Kaye Adams).

Who will be the first to make a chocolate fondant though…?

The Anti-Smoking Ban(natyne)

FAGS!Duncan Bannatyne Takes on Tobacco, BBC Two, 9.00pm

Learning from his and Peter Jones’ past attempts to break out of Dragon’s Den into cancelled ITV shows made of fail, Duncan Bannatyne has taken the ’serious’ tack for his latest endeavour, Duncan Bannatyne Takes on Tobacco which certainly sounds a lot more promising than Fortune: Million Pound Giveaway.

In this one-off documentary, he takes on the campaigning mantle from the likes of Hugh Fearnley-Wittingstall, Jamie Oliver, and, er, Alexa Chung as he investigates the activities of large western tobacco firms in Africa. He is particularly concerned with the way they sell tobacco to children and teenagers there.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about Bannatyne from watching Dragon’s Den, it’s that he gets very emotional where children are concerned (witness his crying at the thought of the iTeddy, a kind of Teddy Ruxspin redux, as it would stop parents reading to kids; and his love of kiddie dance troupe Razzamatazz).

Whether his campaign takes off as well as Hugh F-W’s Chicken Out! campaign I sadly doubt, but it should be well worth an hour of your time and consideration.

Just deserts

LEGAL! Criminal Justice, BBC One, 9.00pm

When a TV show is scheduled so that all the episodes of a series run over a comparatively short space of time, it generally means one of two things: either the show is bobbins and the schedulers know it’s a millstone, and they want to get it removed from their necks in the quickest way possible, or they believe in it so strongly that they want to turn it into Event Television and turn us into their willing slaves. On the basis of the first episode, Criminal Justice is, thankfully, the latter.

It’s a five-parter, and it’s airing at 9pm every night this week, which is admittedly a huge ask of the viewer, especially when there are other things demanding your attention at that hour (Big Brother fans have a hard decision to make, especially if they don’t have access to Channel 4 +1), but I really think it’s going to be worth sticking with, especially as we all want something to distract us and help the time go faster between now and the Doctor Who finale on Saturday, yes?

Ben Whishaw (a recognisable face if you saw Nathan Barley or the movie Perfume amongst other things, and soon to appear as Sebastian Flyte in the film of Brideshead Revisited) stars as Ben Coulter, who accidentally picks up a girl in his dad’s taxi (it makes more sense in the actual programme, don’t worry) on a night out, and what starts as an exciting affair quickly turns into a nightmare when he wakes up in the small hours confronted with her dead body, has no recollection of what happened, and quickly ends up charged with her murder.

It’s not a comfortable watch at all, but episode one is gripping, and I think that scheduling this on consecutive nights may have been a masterstroke, because having to wait a week to find out what happens would have been painful indeed.

Children of Time

YOOF! How TV Changed Britain, Channel 4, 8.00pm

On TV tonight, we say hello to old friends, come face to face with villains we’d long hoped were lost and worry about the future of the universe as we know it, and we get prepared to hide behind the sofa in fright. Yes, that’s right, How TV Changed Britain looks at yoof TV.

This strand has moved timeslot which suggests it’s not been performing as well as Channel 4 hoped, which would be a shame, because it’s been really interesting and entertaining. Tonight’s offering should be particularly enjoyable as it mixes classic, enduring series such Grange Hill with is-it-actually-amazing-or-utterly-terrible telly like The Word and probably brings us bang up to date with the horror of the T4 presenters.

It should definitely be worth a look, even if some of the territory covered here has already been talking-headed to death on the likes of I Love The 70s/80s/90s.

Prepare to be reunited with the likes of Normski, Terry Christian, Amanda de Cadanet, Jools Holland, Tucker Jenkins and Spuggie from Byker Grove (these are guesses, I haven’t seen the show yet), and to see such well-worn clips as that bloke snogging the granny on The Word and Zammo in the toilet with Roland in Grange Hill (and hopefully not Danny Kendall dead in Mr Bronson’s car, which gave me nightmares for ages afterwards).

And yes, I know there’s also some other show on tonight which will be much more fun - I can’t wait - but we’ve previewed that a lot this series and we’ll be gibbering like little excited puppies about its finale next Saturday…

Maxed Out…

TRAUMA! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

So after what feels like months of the tedious will-they-won’t-they antics all soap couples have to go through before a wedding, and the obligatory outing-the-priest at the ceremony, Max and Steph finally marry today in Hollyoaks. So far they have proved a likeable couple, much more suitable than their Neighbours counterparts, and you can’t help but wish happiness on two of Chester’s most beleagured and nice characters.

They’re pulling all (well, some) of the stops out for this episode, with the returns of OB (who appears to have left Summer behind), Cindy (who appears to have left her old character behind), Mandy (who appears to have left both her baby and any acknowledgement she’s had one behind) and Mrs Cunningham (who appears to have left the awesome Jude behind).

However, soap being soap, all is not going to go well for the happy couple, and in case you haven’t discovered what happens in the most spoiled soap plot in, well, the last couple of days, I won’t spoil it. What I will say, though, is that it will give you even more cause to hate the most infantilised eight-year old and annoying soap child since Hannah ‘Button’ Martin in Neighbours, Tom (he’s NOT cute, he’s an eight year old with less intelligence than my friends’ two year old). And to think, if he’d ever gone to school and learned some basic life skills, what happens tonight could have been avoided.

Let’s hope Clare comes back and teases him about this mercilessly. It would serve the little shit right…

Jew Wanna Be My Baby?

ORTHODOX! Jews, BBC Four, 9.00pm

I’m involved in researching programmes about religion and spirituality at the moment, and thus I thought I would be the only lowculture user particularly interested in BBC Four’s new series, Jews. However, when discussing the dearth of interesting things to write about in the LC chatroom on Monday night, several of the other users implored me to write about this, because they think it’s great. I am therefore happy to oblige.

This is the second of a three-part series, but don’t worry about dipping in here, as each episode stands alone and it’s BBC Four, so chance are they’ll show them all again a few times over the coming months. The series centres on the Orthodox community in the North of London, who normally avoid the media, so it is something of a coup for the makers to get this level of access.

The series explores their religious and cultural practices to some degree, but it’s really about the different people and their individual stories, as all good reality shows and documentaries are. Last week’s episode featured Samuel (above), who was released back into the Orthodox community after being imprisoned for drug trafficking. This week’s looks at the lives of the younger generations of the Jewish community and how the legacy of the Holocaust has shaped their lives and upbringing.

If that all sounds a bit heavy and off-putting, don’t worry. If last week’s episode was anything to go by, this is a bunch of people who have enough good spirit and humour to make it a worthwhile watch.

Dance magic dance

WALTZ! Mad Hot Ballroom, More 4, 10.00pm

True Stories is one of the best-kept secrets of the TV schedules (see also BBC Four’s Storyville). Every week it shows a new documentary film, and it’s always worth keeping an eye on the schedules, because I can guarantee you that there’ll be something that you love in this strand on a pretty regular basis. Sometimes the films are specially commissioned, sometimes they are extensions of films shown on Channel 4, but often they have been films previously on cinema release. The films in this strand come from all over the world, which is also nice.

The last time we previewed the strand here, More 4 got some of its best ratings ever. Which of course was all down to us, so I thought we’d help boost their ratings again tonight.

Mad Hot Ballroom is a factual feature film about children from some of the rougher areas of New York learning ballroom dancing. So it’s kind of Sister Act 2 meets Strictly Come Dancing which should make it rather ace indeed, and hopefully will erase the spectre of that ITV children’s dancing thing with Ray Quinn firmly from your mind.

This is one of those films for those who like a good old ‘transformation’ story and want some feel-good, heartwarming fun. Plus, you can place yourself in the role of Arlene, Bruno, Craig and head judge Len and give the kids scores from the comfort of your seat. What more could you want from a Tuesday night?

You beauty

APPEARANCE! Snog, Marry, Avoid?, BBC Three, 8.30pm

I for one am quite excited about BBC Three’s forthcoming season on the perception of beauty; it’s kind of heartening that they’re finding time for a bit of serious thoughtful programming amongst all the Two Pints repeats. In particular I’m looking forward to Britain’s Missing Top Model, which appears to be some kind of reality-show/serious documentary hybrid in search of a disabled star model, which appears to be the focus piece of the season. The whole shebang kicks off in earnest a week tomorrow, but it looks like they’re getting us in the mood for it with this tonight.

Significantly more lighthearted (at least everything I’ve heard about it leads me to deduce that), this is being touted as the world’s first make-under show, and as someone whose burning hatred of 10 Years Younger runs through every part of my body, I cannot fail to approve. It essentially involves scanning the street for people with tanorexia and bad extensions and things and showing them how to look more naturally beautiful with the aid of an outspoken Personal Overhaul Device, or POD to you and me. And brilliantly, it’s presented by Jenny Frost of Atomic Kitten fame, someone who’s been no stranger to the colour orange in the past, but has now seen the error of her ways, apparently.

It all sounds fairly simple, and I have my suspicions that it might be quite entertaining in a Spendaholics sort of way, and in a week where there really doesn’t appear to be much on yet again, it’s at least always nice to have something new to pass judgement on, so I’ll see you on the forums at 9.00pm…

Cats, but no cream

QUIZ! 8 out of 10 Cats, Channel 4, 10.00pm

You can tell a telly week is dire when we are resorting to plugging 8 out of 10 Cats. Not because there’s anything especially wrong with the show, but because there is little more to say about it than it’s a game show that’s moderately funny. The internet isn’t even telling me who tonight’s guests are.

Still, expect lots of jokes about Big Brother, politics, the footie and probably this week’s EastEnders, some interesting facts about the Great British Public and some ex-reality stars trying to up their profile by appearing as panellists.

Also on tonight’s telly - a new housemate goes into Big Brother, despite the fact that most viewers are quite happy with the ones we’ve already got, and there are still tons of them in there. Those pesky kids at C4/Endemol just can’t help meddling, can they?

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