Brendan and the new trippers
Channel 4 has listened to sanity. Coach Trip is back, and in an inspired move they’ve aired it just before all new Come Dine With Me, making 5-6pm the best hour of television for years. On Channel 4 anyway. So grab a cup of tea box of wine and watch, and then when you’re nice and relaxed drunk come and attempt to read my very long (sorry!) verdict on the first new episode of both.
First up is William and Deanne (who can see the future (!) but not what her hairdresser had done to her). Deanne thinks she’s posh, I can’t see her hacking it for more than a few days. Next up is Del Boy wannabe antique dealer Graham and weavetastic Ivy. He looks very familiar, but I can’t quite place him. But he does have a ring for the X Factor contestant with the dead wife. Thirdly come Jackie and Susan – Huge jugs. No seriously, HUGE. She should strap mops to them and become a cleaner. Jackie has apparently lost seven stone (from where?) thanks to a gastric bypass. Neither are impressed with girly girls. Enter – girly girls..
Holly and Taryn from Primrose Hill and possibly America. They are definitely not snobby. At all. No not at all. If only they could find some young guys to prove this to. Oh. As luck would have it…
Matt and Tom – HELLO. Homeo managed to get a few weeks off from Hollyoaks, then and has been pretending to be a lifeguard, probably selected to save Little Miss Jocelyn Ivy and her wigs, should she go near water sober. And from the sublime we go to the ridiculous. Colin and Diane. Aww old. They won’t be walking anywhere. And Colin will never be seen again.
And finally we get Jeff and Anne from Sheffield who proudly announce to the world that they worked together, had an affair, but it was a bit nasty and now have come on Coach Trip! And with that hair. Shameless. And Jeff would like us to know that “A happy wife means a happy life” but where an affair comes into that I’m not sure so let’s move on.
Graham is now singing Cliff Richard. Kill me now. Where’s Brendan with his clipboard and bitchy comments?
Tom brings his own absinthe. 96% absinthe he’ll have you know. And he’s sharing it with William, who has temporarily escaped the psychic powers of Deanne and her hair. More booze. The Daily Mail will hate this. And William is there, drinking more free booze. I’d drink too if I was confined with Deanne. Flag waving by Jackie and Susan, and angry faces from the Sheffield Adulterers.
Antwerp!
I don’t like this voice over, we need Dave Lamb.
SEX! The Mail will really hate this. It’s a good job it’s not on the BBC. Then there’s a bit of Antwerp porn.
Brendan is angry at the hot boys and girls. Naughty not for looking at the Rubens. More bitchy comments please Brendan. And I KNEW it but shock horror, the pensioner wouldn’t do stairs and her husband is still lost. Maybe they’ve left him on the ferry?
Deanne seems to be harbouring some nesting blackbirds in her hair. The young hot ones play with feathers in a bell tower. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that they’re not the sharpest knives in the drawer.
Diamonds!
The dodgy fringed one of the Sheffield Adulterers is about the mount the lovely Diamond Museum tour guide and Ivy has changed her wig. Unfortunately the nasally Deanne has not. No-one can remember anyone else’s name. And neither would I be able to, had I not made notes. Everyone loves everyone else but had to pick a reason, and then promptly bitch about them all to the camera afterwards.
GOOD GOD! Colin not only exists but he speaks! And they’re voting for Matt and Tom because they’re always with people. And the adulterers receive the first yellow card with four votes. I wonder if in hindsight they might think it was a mistake to immediately inform everyone that they’re adulterers (but still lovely)? Perhaps they should borrow a few wigs from Ivy. Honestly it was like a before (or after depending on your sensibilities) segment of an episode of The Salon- which incidentally Channel 4 should also bring back. I wish the episode had been longer, there’s just not enough of Ivy wig time…
…And now, a proper length Come Dine With Me!
Finally, an amazing voice over again. Dave Lamb I love thee, were you too busy to do Coach Trip?
Tonight’s night is for mediocre man, who has strange eyebrows that are in place of eyelashes at first sight. Number two, PR Girl with a posh name who wants to find a silver fox. And then surprise, surprise enter a silver fox, admittedly a married one. Who likes tarts. He’s in luck then. Rabbit? Tame rabbit? It’s like corpse porn. Another posh ‘man about town‘, Hugo. My first thoughts, too much botox and just a wee bit camp.
Oh dear god, it’s pebbledash. Hugo and the PR Slut will never recover. Missing ingredient, and street running! Iranian Sabrina! She’s human, a point she would like to clarify. Quail’s eggs and tame rabbit. Not one for vegetarians then. Mr Mediocrity doesn’t like meeting new people. This is going to be a good week. I can feel it.
The silver fox writer is nearly attacked by the PR Slut. Sabrina comes next, looking thrilled. I can’t wait for her night. I think she’ll get drunk and poison them all. Hugo’s luminous teeth come next, shortly followed by Hugo. It’s just hit me, if we were watching the prime time version, we’d already be halfway through the week by now, which just proves that this format is by far superior. If they want to cut something down in time then could I suggest Deal or No Deal, cut down by 43 minutes.
Ooh awkward conversation! And the silver fox is now throwing himself at the slut. It’s a pity I’m not watching this with his wife. Bitchyness! Sabrina effectively calls PR Slut a prostitute! Hugo falls in love. And Amy and the silver fox go and play on a child’s bed. She practically removes her knickers. Hugo is now talking about his French friend eating poo. Nothing like class is there?
Amy then demands that the silver fox licks water off her arm. She’s shameless! Even the mention of his child didn’t put her off. Amy may be a slut, and a bitch, but she’s self aware.
Is it slag off Sabrina night? Hugo would take her to a Desert Island because she’s fat and he could eat her.
Amy has now removed her bra and is ready to crawl across the table at the silver fox – who is no Anderson Cooper. I dread to think whatwho she’ll do tomorrow and for the rest of the week.
You can watch Coach Trip here and discuss it on the LC forums here.
You can catch up with Come Dine With Me on 4OD here and join in the discussion here
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
One of the contestants “Graham” has been on tv before, think it was something
like “A place in the sun”.
Did anyone else notice this?
definite “x-factor ” contestant with not alive wife.
I think Graham and Ivy were the right ones to leave but not because I did not like them…..I thought they were the best ones there but they were far too outspoken to be liked by the the older generation and as for Dionne…….face like a smacked backside and completely up herself!!!! I dont believe the vote was unanimous either, it seemed that the younger groups felt pressurised by the 2 old women as well as Dionne and whatever her husband/partner was called! Wont bother watching this rubbish now!
After reading this I felt compelled to find out about familiar-looking-but-angry-graham. This was literally the first thing to appear! http://www.starnow.co.uk/grahamp
would love 2 b on the next show with my partner weve been together for 23 years and were up 4 most things hes 44 and u will gt a laugh out ofus but i want 2 c brendan
Anyone know when a new Coach Trip is to return?
Same time next year. They’ll be filming in September for it.
Like others, I really want to know if and when a new series will return. Soon, I hope. Maybe they are making it already?