Soapstar Superstars: April

Whoops, apparently it’s May already. Rather belatedly, then, here are the soap characters that have been getting people on the forums all angry or excited in the past month…

Hit the road, Jack

5. Steph Scully, Neighbours
The good LC community are divided over whether Libby or Steph is the most annoying, and as we’ve featured Libby here several times, it’s only fair we mention Steph. She used to be awesome, way back when the Scully family arrived, but the departure of her whole family, her not-that-convincing relationships with Max and Toadie and her lack of useful storylines have meant she’s felt like a spare part on the street for ages – not to mention her self-righteousness and arrogance. There doesn’t seem to be anywhere for Steph to go… except perhaps Darwin…

4. Katie Sugden, Emmerdale
Joining Michelle Connor and Libby Kennedy in the ‘pretty characters we’re meant to love but really don’t’ category, Katie has managed to wind people up this month by her uber-smugness and lack of decent storylines. Perhaps now’s the time for the scritpwriters to turn her into a bona-fide soap bitch and forget about trying to make us sympathise with her?

3. Home and Away’s storyliners
The Home and Away thread isn’t a happy place at the moment. The odd choices of friendships and relationships, the waste of good actors, the bizarre returns of old characters who no longer fit in the Bay, the inconsistencies in the way some characters act are all making the fanbase rather grumpy right now…

2. Dotty Cotton, EastEnders
It seems a little unfair to single a child out, unless they’re Tom from Hollyoaks, however, the problem isn’t the actress particularly (although the Dick Van Dyke accent is excruciating) but the storyline. I can understand why the producers wanted to bring Nick Cotton back, but this whole storyline is not only dull, but also rather strange: are we meant to hate a child and see her as ‘evil’ rather than focus on how her father has shaped her? Are we meant to believe a child is capable of murdering her grandmother? There could have been so many other potential storylines for Nick’s return, but this one is, so far, preposterous.

1. Phil Mitchell, EastEnders
The last month has actually been impressive, with Phil finally getting a little bit of comeuppance in the form of Heather locking him in the garage and Ben discovering that his dad really isn’t a nice man. However, there is still the underlying sense that the scriptwriters want you to care about him. Unfortunately, the Phil getting drunk storylines were tedious enough last decade, and age has not improved them, and they’re still trying to sell him as a sexual magnet, which becomes less and less plausible with every year that passes…

You make it all worthwhile

5. Susan Kennedy, Neighbours
The Zeke storyline has been pretty ridiculous, but Susan and Karl have been amazing in this – or rather Alan Fletcher and Jackie Woodburne have. Jackie W is one of the best actresses in soap. She puts real soul into every scene she’s in, as we saw when she said her goodbyes to Harold yesterday. Whilsy Karl is great, he has some signifcant character flaws (his tendency to have affairs and his lax grasp of medical ethics) that have always prevented him from being a truly loveable character. Saint Suze, though, is practically perfect in every way.

4. Debbie Dingle, Emmerdale
She may be a divisive character in terms of the script, but she’s won people over round here. Of particular note was her owning of Maisie when she called her a slut. The fact that she’s an interesting character with a number of flaws also makes her very interesting to watch.

3. Theresa McQueen, Hollyoaks
In a show full of unneccessary characters and tedious plotlines, she’s working really hard. Likeable, funny and more believable than many of the soaps characters, now the tedium of her early storylines has been forgotten, Theresa is one of very few characters in Hollyoaks worth caring about. at the moment. Can we ask for a Theresa/Michaela spin-off, or week of episoded devoted solely to them? It might just be the thing to get all those of us who’ve stopped watching regularly back onside…

2. The Masood Family, Eastenders
It’s difficult to pick out one member of the family for attention. Zainab is a classic EastEnders matriarch: funny and fesity whist also bolshy and bossy, with a strong emphasis on farm-lee and a vulnerable side. Mas is great, witty, confused, loving and fallible – but we do not want him and Jane to have an affair, thank you very much. Tamwar is proving to be a great character, with the wit and awkwardness that would make him feel at home in The Inbetweeners, and Syed may not have done much yet, but his general fitness has endeared him to many round these parts. The best family on the Square, and I really hope the writers won’t mess them up… but I won’t hold my breath.

1. Harold Bishop, Neighbours
Farewell then, JellyBelly. You’ve kept us entertained (on and off) for twenty years with your marriage to Madge, your ‘death’ and reappearance, your banter with Lou, your being a shoulder for the street to cry on, your tuba playing and your ever-growing collection of dead relatives, the extent of which would put the average X Factor contestant to shame. I hope Ian Smith and his wife enjoy their retirement trekking around Oz, and that Hazza has a peaceful retirement too, where death stops stalking him round every corner.

Also, as we say goodbye to the elder statesman of Neighbours, I’d just like to give a special mention to all of the over-50s on Coronation Street, who are the best set of older characters and actors in soapland at the moment. There are too many to single any one of the out for praise this month, but we’re appreciating the hard work they’re putting in and the fact that the scriptwriters don’t neglect them unlike in some other soaps.