You may have noticed that there hasn’t been much of note on the tellybox over the last few days, save our usual favourites. Even the Dancing on Ice didn’t muster up much excitement round here, mainly due to the crushing inevitability of a Ray fucking Quinn victory. However, tonight is the most exciting telly night for a long time, with two-and-a-half solid hours of favourites (three and a half if you watch Waterloo Road first, and four and a half if you watch Despearate Housewives on C4+1 afterwards) as The Apprentice and Charlie Brooker return. Expect the forums to go into meltdown later, along with a busy session in the chat room.
After four series of epic fails, 110%, London porn, sausages on camping stoves, cat calendars and disappointing finales, we know just what to expect from The Apprentice and although we’ll be at turns frustrated with over-the-credits shuting, conniving contestants, bullshit firings and Sralan’s attitudes to bladdy women, we’ll also be amused, entertained – and no doubt delighted by Nick and Margaret as per usual. To determine who will join the disgraced and mostly forgotten ranks of Adenike Ogundoyin, Ben Stanberry, Andy Jackson and Nicholas de Lacy Brown as the first one fired, the wannabe apprentices ‘flog stuff to the public at large’ task has upped the stakes with a jet washing task. That’s right, if this year’s fifteen are as competent as the previous four series’ contestants, they’ll be a right sorry shower (sorry). And if I can make a little plug, Steven and I, along with Joel and Fiona, will be recapping the series on a regular basis over at The Apprent-bitch.
If the scorn of Sralan, Nick and Margaret is a little too tame for you, head over to BBC Four later to see the master of the art, Charlie Brooker. In a spin-off from Screenwipe, Charlton takes a look at the absurdities, banalities and hyperbole of television news in the new show Newswipe. Kind of an X-rated, telly-focussed, actually funny version of What the Papers Say, only much much more exciting than that, each week he’ll be looking at the big stories and themes in the news with his usual brand of insightful commentary (genuinely) flavoured by derision and shouting. Hopefully with obligatory added Aisleyne. Warning! The rubbish poetry that blighted the last series of Screenwipe is back. Still, it’ll give you time to top up your drink or something.
