Idol musings

Bugger The X Factor; as soon as January rolls around, it’s all about American Idol as far as I’m concerned. In honour of esteemed fourth judge Kara DioGuardi joining the panel and generally being amazing, for one night only (because, to be perfectly honest, that’s about the longest this incredibly thin idea is going to stretch, and even that’s only if I’m lucky), I present my many and varied thoughts on the opening episode, in a freeform kind of style. And if I’m this lacking in coherence during the season opener, you can see exactly why I don’t want to still be doing this during the live shows.

• Ugh, must we see David Cook’s face in the credits every week? Then again, the other option was David Archuleta and his creepy lack of expression, so I’m struggling to pick the lesser of two evils here.

• Ryan Seacrest appears to have begun the show under the impression he’s hosting The Amazing Race.
• The Garlic Mushroom girl’s services are evidently no longer required this year. Maybe it really was Jodie Prenger? Either way, her replacement just isn’t up to scratch.
• Randy Jackson’s vocabulary hasn’t expanded at all since last year, dawg, I’unno, it was a’ight.
• Taylor Hicks is apparently such an embarrassment to the Idol brand that his is the only former winner’s picture kept out of shot during auditions. Which is, of course, exactly as it should be.
• The concept of emo reached its logical conclusion with Randy Madden, who turned up wearing a lot of black and a bandana, sang in a really whiny voice and then cried when he didn’t get through to Hollywood.
• Having seen the show apply a green filter to Paula Abdul in order to make her look “scary”, I now really want to see her cast as Elphaba in Wicked. Ryan Seacrest can be Galinda- slash-Glinda. I’m sure he’s got a suitable wig somewhere.
• Oh boy, Kara DioGuardi really had no idea what she was letting herself in for, did she? Also, wow, she looks a lot like Katherine McPhee.
• So that line we were all fed a few months ago about the producers cutting down on the crappy auditions to focus on the “aspirational” ones was a load of crap, then?
• Not content with turning up during one of the season six results shows to manhandle the contestants, Brad Garrett has now put on blackface to come back and audition.
• Kara DioGuardi has managed to acquire a terrifying fangirl in her very first episode. That’s fast work. And well done to Kara for handling the situation respectfully without humiliating the crazy. In as much as she had control over it, anyway.
• Stevie Wright is on course to be this year’s contestant whom the judges love but who leaves me absolutely cold.
• Kara DioGuardi vs Bikini Girl is an epic battle for our times. Team Kara, obviously.
• I love that Kara and Paula are BFFs already. See, British media, it is possible for two women to judge a reality show together and not hate each other’s guts!
• The person who decided to play Katy Perry’s ‘I Kissed A Girl’ as Bikini Girl planted one on Seacrest deserves a pay rise.
• Everyone’s excited about all-new Gossip Girl and Supernatural, I trust? Good.
• Oh, Sexual Chocolate, you are going to regret that tattoo in years to come. Couldn’t you have just got a sexually-suggestive Hotmail address like everyone else?
• Brianna Quijada is my new favourite person, partially for “OH MY GOD I’M HUGGING PAULA ABDUL” and partly for looking exactly like Bethany from Rock Rivals. I was going to add something like “without a shred of irony” there, but since almost nobody in the UK watched that show, I sincerely doubt anyone in the US did.
• Wait, who invited Danny Noriega back? Oh, hey, this guy makes cheap home-made movies too!
• Alex Wagner-Trugman is Taylor Hicks’s mini-me. I don’t like this one either. But hey, at least he was right about the sort of reception he’d get from the British audience.
• Seacrest, you know I love you, but trying to high-five the contestant with a visual impairment really was not a wise idea.

And there we have it. If you made it this far, well done. Why not treat yourself to a biscuit? Next time I see you, I’ll give you the money for it. Maybe.

Tagged as: American Idol, ITV2