DROWNING KITTENS

They’re still there, you know. All those “celebrities” waiting for someone to fling insects at them.

Please forgive our apparent flippancy, but we’re finding it hard to get fired up about the latest series of I’m a Celebrity . . . so far, despite Ant and Dec’s fine banter.

Still, we’re getting to know the contestants a bit better, and we’re sure it won’t be too long before we pin our hopes on a favourite.

We’ve always had a sneaking admiration for Jordan, as it happens, especially when she lets her persona (rather than her bra) drop for a few minutes.

And John Lydon hasn’t so much turned hell-raiser as he has peacekeeper, and so far seems to be the only contestant taking a measured approach to the whole experience.

We aren’t particularly fussed about any of the other contests at the moment, with Diane and Alex barely registering on our conciousness.

Of those that do, startled bunny Kerry McFeeble was obviously expecting something very different from the experience, and certainly one which didn’t include plants, trees, insects, tasks, or challenges.

We have to give her her dues, though. Having been selected to do a bushtucker trial, she gave it her all in what proved to be a very difficult task.

She thrashed about in a perspex box - in much the same way that Rachel Stevens didn’t - as she attempted to unlock food tokens as it rapidly filled with water.

Securing just two meals for the group did little for her mood, with the camp eventually deciding to refuse to eat the meagre rations they were eventually presented with.

Like so many cute fit boys, Peter tends to spoil the effect by opening his mouth. His schoolboy flirting with Jordan does make us giggle, though, despite his claims that he’s not a tit man. However, there is a certain contingent yelling: “But Peter! you are a tit, man!”

Perhaps that’s a bit harsh. It’s just that we feel he’s coming across as a touch arrogant and false at the moment, and so it was no surprise he was selected for last night’s live challenge.

Still, he braved 9 boxes of insects, eels and snakes to snatch 10 full meals for the group, and wasn’t cocky with it, so our opinion may yet change.

This early in the competition, though, we’re wondering just how many variations of insects-on-the-head challenge there can be. Until one poor sod has to eat them, of course (we think that honour will go to Jennie).

FUCK ME FACTS!

Amazing things about January 29:

» The di Marco family made their debut in EastEnders in 1998. Nobody cared.

» Oxford dons refused to give Margaret Thatcher an honorary degree in 1985. They were possibly still upset that she had stopped their free milk.

» The three finalists on Pop Idol 1 were busy recording endless versions of Evergreen in 2002.

» John Forsythe, better known as Blake Carrington from Dynasty, is 86 today. He shares his birthday with Tom Selleck, who is 59, and Oprah Winfrey, who turns 50.

THURSDAY’S LOW POINTS

Once again, the telly is really rubbish tonight. If you’re not glued to the non-stop I’m A Celebrity stuff on ITV2, you might want to try some of these.

» The Bill 8pm, ITV1 … Sheelagh is freaking out about baby Niamh after her sighting of Des. She’s worried that he might harm the baby – but fate is about to deal her an even crueller blow.

» Stupid and Dangerous 9pm, Sky One … Halfwits eat nettles.

» Beckham’s Body Parts 11.30pm, ITV1 … A look at the appeal of David Beckham, with particular reference to his admirable physical attributes.

» Is there something else we should be watching? Click on the comment link.

FUCK ME FACTS!

Amazing things about January 28:

» John Major issues writs for libel against two publications for publishing stories detailing rumours of an affair between the former-PM and a caterer in 1993. At the time, everyone felt the very idea of Major having an affair was ridiculous, but his position on the moral high ground began to look slightly shakier when it was later discovered he had been knocking off Edwina Currie on the sly.

» The Archers broadcast its steamiest scene ever in 2000, when two of the characters were heard romping in the shower.

» Lulu appeared on Top Of The Pops in 1993, making her the first artist to do so in the 1960s, 70s, 80s and 90s.

» Down-the-dumper pop boys birthday alert! Lee out of Steps in 29 today, while Nick Backstreet Boy is just 24.

WEDNESDAY’S LOW POINTS

The stuff you won’t want to miss today.

» I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 8pm, ITV1 … Kerry must face the Jungle Houdini challenge.

» Frasier from 11.05pm, Channel 4 … It’s the very last series, and Channel 4 have dumped it in the just-before-midnight graveyard slot to celebrate.

» Grand Designs 9pm, Channel 4 … This weeks crazy housebuilders decide to build their house in Germany, take it to bits, then build it again in the UK.

» Is there something else we should be watching? Click on the comment link.

BIG BONGOS, BIG BONGOS, DEY’VE GOT DEM IN DE JUNGLE

We’ve never really warmed to I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! but we’re prepared to give the third series the benefit of the doubt for now.

That may be easier said than done when criticism from the likes of Dr David Holmes of Manchester Metropolitan University is brought into play, however.

Speaking of the celebrity desire to remain famous, he described those who undertake reality TV shows as “psychologically vacuous”, adding that “the only purpose in life is their fame.”

But he doesn’t pull any punches with his description, despite the apparent consequences of a continual lack of exposure.

“Without their fame, they would be prone to depression, anxiety and, worst of all, not being recognised in the supermarket,” says Dr Holmes.

So a programme where you’re guaranteed exposure by taking part in some extremely uncomfortable to watch activities must be exactly the kind of place where you might find, say, a glamourous model, disgraced political figure, former sports hero or ageing voice of the airwaves, for instance.

So hello Jordan (Catalina?), Lord Brockett (Christine Hamilton?), Razor Ruddock (Phil Tufnell?), and Mike Read (Tony Blackburn?).

Despite our cynicism, there’s nobody in this year’s bunch that immediately sets us hissing, despite our initial determination not to like John Lydon.*

He’s provided a few chuckles already though, so we won’t write him off just yet.

Even Lord Brockett carries a kind of Carry On style camp factor, and we give full marks to Jordan for allowing her bowl to be filled with bugs last night (we should probably rephrase that, but we won’t).

But we’re cautious of taking our enthusiasm too far. Just remember the show brought Linda Barker much further into our homes than the tired looking room that some poor couple will find stencilled to buggery and with a budget painted stone floor. And she didn’t even bloody win last time.

For the moment we’re taking bets on who will get their tits out first. Our money’s on Peter Andre.

* Because running around with an air of “I’m not going because I’m desperate to be on the telly” is akin to the sentiment “I only buy The News of The World for its political coverage.”

Happy Birthday To Us

lowculture was one year old yesterday. Where are our fucking presents, eh?

JAMIE’S (WAY WITH) WORDS

Jamie is knowledgeable, opinionated, moralistic and always, always right. And he has 50 words a day to tell it like it is. Or like it isn’t. Whatever he likes, really.

» JAMIE SAYS: lowculture favourite™ Jade Goody is entering Back To Reality, five’s new reality tv show. It is cleverly starting just after IACGMOOH has finished and our appetite has been whetted. Pity that the ridiculous* twunt from the salon is also there. Jade to win™. Stay with lowculture for updates.

Talentless*

» Do you agree? Do you not? Do you know what a twunt is? Click on the comment link below to share your views with us.

THE NEWS WE (THAT IS TO SAY US, NOT YOU, BUT PROBABLY YOU AS WELL ACTUALLY) HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR

The trailers for the third series of Footballers Wives are all over the telly now, and we are literally* wetting our pants with excitement.

There will be twelve glorious episodes to enjoy, starting on February 11, and this time producers have promised much more nudity, and frequent post-match bummings.

Hooray!

*Not literally

SHE’S CERTAINLY BEEN AROUND THE FUCKING BLOCK ENOUGH TO KNOW

lowculture had a comedy argument with a man in a pub last week on the subject of the new Scissor Sisters single, Comfortably Numb.

Man was a big fan of the Proper Music With Guitars, and was trying to tell us that the mere act of covering a Pink Floyd song should have been enough to get the Scissor Sisters cast into hell for all eternity.

Needless to say, we informed him that he was talking rubbish, and also went on about the merits of Bunton for a while, a propos of absolutely nothing.

That, however, was before we heard the dreadful cover of Donna Summer’s This Time I Know It’s For Real that chief Euro-anthem witch Kelly Llorenna has decided to release.

We can kind of see where the Pink Floyd fans are coming from now.

(Except not really, because the Scissor Sisters single is actually good, so they’re still wrong).

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